Nets 28, Stage 1: recap

I think that the major theme in my own life has been acceptance and rejection. All and every healing thing that has happened has been related to feeling rejected by my parents, brothers and peers... which has made me feel like a failure and rejected by God. This had covered my life with a screen, a filter that told me no one would accept me, that I wasn’t good enough for others and that it was better for me to just withdraw into myself and hide away from everyone else. At the same time I was avoiding people I was also desperate for love and attention, refusing to be vulnerable and open, often embarrassed to talk to people, and trying to always be witty, smart, and on top of things. Net’s 28 has been an unwinding, a pulling of a thread that slowly unravels an entire piece of cloth.

At first it was just that I am not my mother nor is her opinion (often what I perceived it was and what I know it actually wasn't) was not the one that matters, then I had to work through a very hard relationship I was in two years ago with a boy named Matt - I forgave him and continue to do so now. Through this I learned not to look for acceptance in men but in God. Then started the journey of forgiving my peers, and learning to accept THEM for who they are without putting a filter of my own perfectionism on them, this one I am still working on but I am confident that God will guide me through and that when I return home I will be able to fully accept and love people, not because they will love me back but because God’s love overflows through me.

Next came a very hard issue; that of self-acceptance. I CAN’T accept others until I learn to accept myself, all of myself - my problems and my good bits; the hardest thing for me to accept of myself is who I am around other people, it is where I struggle the most and what I have to continue to work on every day I am here... I have to accept that I won’t always get it right and that it’s okay to be myself around people even when I get it wrong. I have to accept that even though I’m not perfect other people can still accept and love me for who I am but if they don’t that’s okay because I am accepted by God.

But as the weeks ticked away it was time to learn how I really felt about God’s love and acceptance, the truth was I didn’t feel loved by my father God. My earthly father had made mistakes that had created wounds I then imposed on God, and a belief that God my father didn't love me unconditionally. Of this I had to repent and ask Him to reveal his love and acceptance to me, something that didn't come like lightening but has literally taken me by surprise; now that I can see something has changed in my life but can’t pin it down.

The finishing flourish of what happened was to deal with my feeling of being a failure, coming from always feeling like I wasn’t part of the family because I "couldn’t keep up with my brothers." I learned to stop playing on the enemies side in my own life and to get mad at the lies that he fed me. I am NOT a failure, I am NOT always a step behind and I am my own beautiful self. I came out no longer satisfied with the life I used to live, now if something needs doing it is not as hard for me to do it. I am no longer choosing to put aside things that need to be done for things that waste time; I feel more productive and more willing to be productive. As a continuation of this work I heard God say not to eat the bread of idleness anymore - which means to be diligent about everything; even rest, and especially in spending time with Him.

Our God is an amazing God, he will not fail and he will not give up on us... he WILL take us by surprise and do things we don’t expect in ways we don’t expect Even when he feels far away he still works and will never stop fighting for us. My journey here will continue, I know I need it to if I want to leave with the confidence that God has given me and I lost... How long I will stay and what else will happen I do not know, but God does so I’m not to concerned. This place and the people here are amazing, Edmonton is still home, but for now I need to be misplaced so I can go back stronger and more confident.